The Transformers: The Movie (1986) is the greatest movie about Transformers I have ever seen till this day. I argue that it is a bona-fide masterpiece. Fun, immensely quotable, and rock-your-world devastating if you’re a kid who doesn’t expect to see his favorite characters slaughtered mercilessly on-screen.

If only those deaths remained permanent…

At any rate, the live-action movies that followed brought to us by the sludge-maker-in-chief Michael Bay, are nothing but toilet paper.  Pure and simple. Use them accordingly.

This new movie is directed by animator Travis Knight (Caroline (2009), ParaNorman (2012)) and star Hailee Steinfeld. I have no expectations…but the fact that they aren’t using the Spike character tells me that this isn’t nearly striving to be as faithful to the property as it purports to be.  And the fact that they have given the female character a boys name: “Charlie” sends out even more red flags about the writer’s (Christina Hodson who wrote Shut In (2016)) sensibilities.

One should also keep in the back of their minds that this is all being supervised by Akiva (the destroyer of all that is sacred and good) Goldsman.

Let’s have a looky-loo…

Egads…they’re still doing this “Bumblebee doesn’t speak” nonsense? Annoys the crap out of me. Bumblebee had a distinct personality (like all the old Transformers) in the cartoons and the best these Jackoffs can do is reduce him to some “noble creature” stereotype?  The lesson that the Transformers are “individuals” and not “things” doesn’t seem to penetrate their thick, Hollywood skulls. But I get it, giving Bumblebee the ability to talk means you have to think of things for him to say and if you have no respect for the character or the property in general, this can be damn near impossible. I’d bet cold, hard cash that before they offered her the gig, Christina Hodson didn’t give Transformers the cartoon, the toys, or the brand not one millisecond of thought in her entire life.

Don’t they understand that if you are incapable of telling a Transformers story without humans than you shouldn’t be telling a Transformers story at all.

“Isn’t there anythig you liked about it?”

The character designs look better.

Bumblebee starring Hailee Steinfeld, John Cena, Jorge Lendeborg Jr., Rachel Crow, Pamela Adlon, Jason Drucker, Abby Quinn, Gracie Dzienny, Ricardo Hoyos, Kenneth Choi, Stephen Schneider, John Ortiz rolls into theaters December 21, 2018.